I am the one that everyone forgets, and throws by the wayside like trash. No one bothers trying to keep their promises to me. I am worth nothing to no one. everyone leaves in the end. I’m done trying. If you care, you’ll make more effort, I shouldn’t have to do it all.

Yesterday was a good day, and then a bad day

I found out yesterday that I’ve lost 10 pounds in about 2 and a half weeks. Pretty excited. and I know thats not even a scale error because both were taken at dr’s appointments. I still have a long way to go until I reach my goal, But I’m confident I can reach it by the end of the summer. I’ll be happy to get rid of this fat… I’m just not comfortable in my body. Its too soft, too big…..

bad day…. seems every day fucking turns into one now a days… And the worst part is that I just feel so alone. Even these simple things, like losing weight, I can’t share with anyone, because I get a chorus of ‘you’re beautiful’ and ‘you are too skinny as it is’. I’m sorry, but I’m not. I’m glad you think I’m thinner than I am, but if you could see what I’ve become a master at hiding….  you would be disgusted.  

Granted, thats not the only thing that made my day horrid, but you don’t need to know everything else. My days are running into each other anyways, I’ve barely been sleeping, and I eat only when I have too…. Its quite nice actually, because I have time that i used to spend eating or sleeping to do other things.

Alright, Time to talk..

So, This might be a little long, but its worth saying. I told you guys earlier this week that I would give you an explanation of whats going on and why I wanted to delete my tumblr. Ive been talking with some friends, and they have asked me to not delete my blog, and I’ve been thinking alot. I’m not going to delete my blog, but I dam going to take a bit of a break.

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know that I suffer from alot of demons that plague my mind. I tend to take alot of things to heart, and I can’t help but take everything personally. Its a personality quirk that I can’t help at all. what you may or may not know, is that, on average, I have been receiving about 3-6 pieces of anon hate a day. And this hurts. I try to hide it, but It really does. Thankfully people have been really sweet the last few weeks, and I’ve gotten more nice anons than I have my entire time on Tumblr. 

There are a few other things though. 

I’m really tired about alot of the drama thats been going on, and even sarcastic possts other people post that I know aren’t about me…. they hurt. 

The other thing is, quite frankly, my heart is broken. And I kinda saw it coming, I guess I was just in denile. Not that I’m bitter, but it physically hurts to see anything that remotely reminds me of them. I need to heal and move on, and thankfully I have a few people to support me, even if they really know nothing about why I’m feeling this way. Because I’m not one to talk about that kind of stuff. But for the first time in my life, I have someone in my life who wants to take care of me, even if I am a wreck. and they want nothing in return.

The other night I talked someone out of suicide. It made me realize that I shouldn’t lose hope in the human race yet. I know that sounds weird, but for some reason I was given hope to try again and get my life where I want it. I’ve always felt so alone, and I don’t expect that to change. But I can learn to deal with it, I hope.

All my llife I’ve been living trying to please others, make others happy. But I never took what I wanted, did what I wanted. I went through my life, a passive, emotional wreck. and I want to fix that.

So I’m taking some time off. I’ll still pop on to check asks or whatever. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. Maybe a week, maybe a month. IDK. But I need to figure somethings out for myself.

After alot of thinking, I will be deleting my blogs (all of them) sometime this week. Explanation will be coming later tonight.

gayoak:

(whispers) its a-ok to rely on fictional characters to get you through your life bc life is hard ok if it makes you happy stick w/ it and anybody who says otherwise can go fuck themselves (pets u gentlee)

xlovelessangelx:

//Making of Kuroshitsuji II OVA

praises:

so take me with you, i want to be apart of you

Anonymous

3 facts about my personality - 

1. I’m alot shyer than some people would believe.

2. I’m very self conscious.

3. I am very stubborn

Anonymous

another fact about the person I like? hmmmmmm they give amazing hugs

Hetalia Asks?

conversemusic:

Converse’s music Tumblr is here. Let’s rage.

GIF by Matthias Brown

 

 

Anonymous

1 thing about the person i like… hmmmm only one? well, they are the sweetest, kindest person with a very nice smile and beautiful eyes.

Gay Questions,